Lay my crown down, it’s tarnished any ways

This Queen is getting ready for her final bow

Your words turn into vapor leaving dead silence

Doesn’t matter how you tempt me if I won’t

see the light of the coming day

The pull on my soul was getting to hard to ignore

Holding my ears as the mirror screamed the truth

She is not me, trying to trick me into believing that

all remains is nothing but a water down ghost

Pretty soon nothing but echo’s of me will remain

Will not ask forgiveness of my sins, stand unashamed

Maybe the Devil and God will gamble to see who gets me?

Until then I’ll keep crossing this minefield called life

Each step in silence brings me disappointment, seems

I’m trapped in a maze with no exits left, only one way out

Each bullet of emotion hits me, knocking me to the ground

Not sure how many more shots I can take, before I fail

Yet I still rise up again, when I want to stay on the ground

Weighing if their pain is worth causing more than mine

Confusion reigns supreme in what is left inside my mind

What of your sins I wonder, left them inside me to fester

Slowly poisoning me through the years, stealing my peace

Like an house of cards I’ve built, you’ll take pleasure destroying it

Reminding me no matter what I do, it’ll end up floored

Amidst life’s cruel laughter I’ll rebuild to watch it shatter

Until that day I’ll cease, and lay down in my bed of dirt

The caws of the ravens were muffled in the growing silence

Huddled on her knees, oblivious to the biting frozen ground

Descended from Mount Hermon, she was born, not fallen

Though not human either, her wings were a gift from above

Just like Icarus she to ignored her father, wanting to fly high

Riding in freedom, she soared higher and higher to the Sun

No wax to melt, just wings to scorched as she plummet to the

ground, feeling power slowing her down as she lands in the snow

Weeping knowing her blacken wings shows her fall from grace

Tears for a Father who abandon her long before Jesus walked

Sky darkens as more ravens come to protect the lost Queen

Circling her, watching and waiting for her to remember her place

As both Heaven and Hell hold their collective breaths

Knowing full well she holds the key to destroy them both

When I became homeless and started this blog, I thought I would keep it going with regular updates. And then reality set in and I realize it was harder than I thought. You see I have two lives I’m living it seems, and I don’t feel like I fit in either one. As I stated before I have never been in a shelter or on the streets, I pay 300.00 for a bed through a “transitional program”. And for awhile I ran the emergency shelter, which was in a 3 bedroom apartment with 8 beds. I did that until a month ago. Now I’m back in one of the other apartments.

Like many I had judge homeless people as either crazy or drug addicts. Or in some cases older people with no place to go. I’m disabled now, just poor, no substance abuse. Probably a bit crazy now, lets be real it’s hard to hit rock bottom and be happy about! Come on who’s going to be like, “Whoo Hoo, I have no home lets celebrate”? High five anyone? The hardest part is the pretending. As in always telling everyone you’re fine, when lets face it you’re not. Hiding it from your friends, no face book posts saying you’re rocking the homeless life. I want to get back on my feet myself, I don’t want to lay my burdens on others.

My wish more than anything is a place to call home. A place where my friends and family can come over for a home cooked meal (no visitors are allowed in the program) I have 3 wonderful kids, one grandson with two more on the way. My son just got back from a tour in Afghanistan, he’s in the Army. My daughter is buying her first home with her husband and I’m going to stay to help out with the soon to be twins and my grandson. So there is an end in sight, my way out of here. As a single Mom I think I did pretty good. I worked hard and always kept a roof over our heads. Until three years ago when my health started declining, like I had dove head first down a waterslide. Many surgeries later and here I am.

Things could be worse, maybe not by much as my Mom likes to remind me, but they could. The hardest part being here is trying not to lose myself. You have to fight the overwhelming urge to not disconnect yourself from everyone. By giving into it, you find yourself lost, with no anchors to hold onto. I feel myself shutting down at times just to survive. It scares me. When it does happen you begin to feel like no one would notice if you weren’t around anymore. That you don’t matter. You have to fight it.

I have to explain something, it’s very hard being moved around all the time. Like your nothing more than a pawn in some kind of twisted game. And now I know there are a lot of crazy and or drug addicts. And they steal everything from you. Food, clothes, hell I even had my pillow stolen. My medications (and yes I hide them, doesn’t matter) Then there are ones that are just trying to get back on their feet again. Some have kids with no place to go and they’re really trying. When I ran the emergency shelter I told them to think of this place as a “stepping stone” to get where you need to be. But I admit it gets tiring always being ripped off. I keep most of my things in a storage. Christmas was a few days ago and I brought my gifts back and even though I only gotten a few things, the earrings my Mom bought me were stolen the next day. They were gold hoops and from Kohl’s , well they give cash back after Christmas so I assume that’s what happened to them. I hadn’t even tried them on yet! My Mom has cancer and it has wiped them out money wise so I appreciated getting anything at all and it kills me that it happened.

So as you can see why I had stopped blogging. But as my daughter tells me I need to tell about my experience. For one to help me let it go instead of holding it within, and two to tell people what’s it like being homeless. I never thought this would happen to me. I actually feel more embarrass for my family, I cringe at the thought of people knowing their Mom is one of the homeless. But all they’ve shown me is love. They always go out of their way to tell me how much they love me too. My oldest daughter I help out by watching my gbaby for her. He is my brightest light in the darkest time of my life. The way he lights up when I see him. He’s one and he doesn’t care where I live. He just loves me for me. So now you see my two lives I live. Confuse yet? I know I am at times!

I’m going to try and keep the blog going. The stories I have to tell, oh my! Like the one woman who said, “ Look at me, I’m very attractive, you wouldn’t guess I’m homeless”. What? We all just looked at her, took all I had not to fall off my chair laughing. Looks having nothing to do with it at all. There are many beautiful woman here. Never thought ugly meant you must be homeless. So keep tune and I’ll share. And for the full back story check out my beginning blogs entries.

They say rock and roll never dies

I want to be like that, always here

To never bow, be the only Queen

Voice to never fade away, long live

Not to hide away, I’ll just end up lost

From out of the blue, into the black I go

Under the cover of night, where I’m free

Not coming back, want to see it all

Remember me, I whisper into his ear

Stars singing to me as I dance in the sand

His crooked smile melts me, I remembered

Summer haze turns to fall days, I’ve forgotten

Out of the darkness I’ve survived, whats my name?

At what cost, is all lost, I couldn’t stop this time

Paid the piper more than I owed, do you follow?

Sit here and grow my hair long, climb back up

Remember when life was just a game I played

Where my exes are like ghosts from my past

A littered cemetary, mostly nameless tombstones

Plenty of bones to throw the waiting hellhounds

Heard the howls the other night, their coming

Should’ve listen to Mama, had to do it my way

Now I’ve lost my way again, I don’t understand

Her voice has faded away, now I’m on my own

Find the priest at the bottom of my bottle, you see

Need no help with my sins, I commit them just fine

Keep my tab open, still have a few more to go

No hail marys to save my soul, words fail me now

Want to be Nancy to your Sid, never lose being wild

Want a love story to tell, one that doesn’t end tragic

Want to be remembered, never stop being young

Want a life that doesn’t kill me, before I’m too gone

Never can sit still, have a restless feeling inside

I wander the streets for salvation, need to feel

Say yes to me tonight, help me forget my pain

Leaving before dawns light, just a ghost in the night

were you’re just more litter in my graveyard of lust

I want to be free, come roam with me, no more bars

Won’t be caged in, I’ve broken free of these chains

Power coarse’s through me, I can be anything I want

Avoiding mirrors as I go, where the truth doesn’t lie

Pretty on the surface, damaged and damned hides

behind emerald eyes, where resides a broken soul

So I go back out on the hunt, my prey within reach

Another nameless notch, left feeling empty again

Hollowed eyes seeing nothing but death waiting for me

Flesh to flesh sparks something, never enough though

Another shot of poor man’s painkiller dulls the aching

Cradling the bottle close to me, seeking answers I won’t find

Another shot to kill the pain, one more to forget my regrets

Care to join me for a drink, I think there’s one more left

Sit beside me, give me a reason to stay awhile, save me

Before I destroy this restless Gypsy soul, damning it to hell

Whiskey fueled amber drops fall softly from tired eyes
One shot to kill the pain, another to stop my thoughts
Can’t forget the next one, to erase my many regrets
All the things that haunt me I keep trying to chase away
Step outside and wish upon a star, never waste one on me
Lighting the cigarette up, the only light in the darkness
Another drag, exhaling wasted memories into the night
Cradling the bottle in my arms, you think it was a bible
the way I cling to it, I’m seeking a different salvation one
you won’t find in a book, but at the bottom of a bottle
Answers that elude me become clearer with each swig
Too bad I wont remember, like always, come morning
Queen for the night, all my words are that of a genius
Waking up a pauper, my brain mush, not a clue whose
bed I lay in, or even his name, hope I least had some fun
Instead of a gun to my head, I cock the bottle sipping shots
of whiskey bullets, killing me slowly instead every night
You see I’m not special, not superwoman, just a girl
Trying to live through the day, barely keeping my head
above the angry sea that is my life sucking me under
Whiskey, tears and cigarettes, only things that keep
my sanity at bay, while I dance on the edge of insanity

For far too long I’ve been his puppet, no escaping

At first I travel by horse, six shooter by my side

Saunter in to play a few hands, deadmans hand  I

always won, after all wasn’t the only thing dead here

Some be pissed to be beset by of all things a woman

As I ride out of town, I hear the hooves pounding after me

I laughed, for they wouldn’t catch me, but he would catch

them, the Hangman be waiting for them to collect their souls

I didn’t mind, evil men means an evil end, fine by me

The Hangman found me broken and bleeding one night

Some cowboys used me and left me to die, just another whore

He found me there, knew I wasn’t one, it was just their excuse

to do the things they did to me, and feel justify in doing so

Holding me as ruby red drops plopped on the dirt, I was fading

Whispering who he was, how I could help him right the wrongs

He was chanting as my life passed, I awoke anew again

Healed, no more pain, asking if I wanted to start with the men,

the ones who left me there, wasn’t sure if it was a dream

I was more than ready to get my revenge, he gave me them

No hanging death, with my knife I slit the throats of the first three

Their campfire burning low, my colt took care of the other two

I was now the Hangman’s harbinger, leaving a trail of death

in my wake, as the years past, traded my horse for a steel beast

Got them to follow me to the old hanging tree, their blood seeped

into the ground feeding it, keeping it alive, growing as the years went

I was now the Hangman’s puppet, always obeying his dark desires

Never bothered me either, they were rapists and murderers

I was the pied piper of death, giving them what they deserved

So listen carefully for the roar of my bike and hope that it’s not

you that I am coming for, because at the hanging tree

there always room for one more

My littered past stains what 

remains of my shattered soul 

Through the looking glass,

it shows a distorted image of me

Crisp fall breeze blowing the

pages of my life across

the cemetery of forgotten

memories lost long ago

This curse I laid upon myself,

leaving me trapped

unable to breathe here, 

in my self-imposed grave

I get lost gazing into your green eyes, here I want to stay

Everything I wanted to say to you out loud, goes unsaid

It just stays stuck inside, my mouth remains glued shut

Words tumble around my brain, yet it’s where they remain

My eyes hold no lies, in them the truth shines throughout

Can you not feel the emotions coming off my in waves?

No matter how I try to hide my feelings, they bleed out

through every pore, yet you are oblivious to my charms

Will baring my soul change anything at all, or destroy us?

Standing before you do you see a friend or something more?

Taking my hand as we walk down the boardwalk towards the pier

I open my mouth to speak to find out I’ve turned into a mute

Turning your brush my hair from my face giving me a smile

Knowing you love me as a friend can that be enough for me?

Maybe sometimes words should be left unspoken

The warm breeze tumbled leaves around her.

Cemetery was beautifully lit by the moon’s caress.

Kneeling down she lit the candles, starting to chant.

Feeling the poisons taking effect, coursing through.

She knew her time was running out fast, chanting faster.

Candles grew brighter until a gust of wind snuff them.

He stood before her, in a robe made out of midnight,

holding a scythe, looking like he stepped out of a painting.

Looking down at her, he demanded to know why he was

summoned so early, he was already on his way for her.

Standing she went to him, explaining she couldn’t let the

cancer finish her off, but she needed one thing before she went.

Confused, he looked down at her, as she raised up and kissed him.

He was startled, he reaped souls, had never had contact before hand.

She awoken something in him, as he pulled her close, kissing her back.

Stopping, he asked her what was she doing, she murmured no time

Pressing her body along his, she showed him what she liked

After, lying next to her on the soft grass he watched her pass on

Gently picking her up he laid her down on the carve marble tomb

Fixing her black corset dress, and her raven hair, she looked like

a porcelain doll lying there, heart heavy he sat down next to her

Never having been with a human had awaken feelings he didn’t

know existed in him, slumped over he was at a lost at what to do

Her soul appeared before him, looking at her he demanded why

Laughing, she told him she always wondered what it would be like

Still at a lost, he didn’t understand, but he knew one thing she was his

Taking her into his arms, the centuries of loneness melting away

Again, he asked why call him to her, smiling she looked him in the eye

“Been a good girl all my life, always wanted to let my demons come out

to play and be the bad girl for once, to feel naughty plus I always wondered

what it would feel like to be fucked to death,and by the way it was so worth it”,

she said with a wicked smile

And they reaped happily ever after…………